I am a deeply reflective person, to the point of destroying myself sometimes. But sometimes these self reflections bring me to a wonderful awareness and change my perspective of this world for the better.
As I mentioned in my first ever blog post, I am what society is calling ‘the empath.’ Essentially what that means is, I take on the energy of other people and places. I absorb other people’s emotions and even their illnesses and because I fail to ‘protect and cleanse my energy,’ despite constantly wafting sage about my home and scrubbing myself raw with sea salt, I am now disabled as a result of my own self negligence. What a load of codswallop. Now I’m a failure on top of everything else? I don’t think so.
I have listened to everything people have had to say regarding my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. In the attempt to recover I have tried EVERYTHING? If I were to write a list we would be here all day.
I have hugged every grounding crystal known to man. I have saged my home to the point of the cat handing me an eviction notice because she is sick of my shit. I have scrubbed my flesh with every salt the planet produced. I have feng shui-ed my entire home. I have cast circles of light; in every colour, around my body. I have even become a qualified Reiki practitioner so I could take my daily healing into my own hands. I have taken every measure within my ability, at the expense of my bank balance and sanity.
And I have concluded this; bullshit!!
By allowing society to tell me that all my issues were a result of other people’s energy, I have allowed myself to fall victim to denial and displacement. By claiming the empath title, you literally place the blame for your feeling and ailments on others. It is you shunning responsibility.
Now, I do work as a physic and intuitive tarot card reader. I am highly attuned to energy and I am very good at my job. But in those moments I am aware what energy is mine and what is not. I also protect before and cleanse after, as any psychic should.
As part of receiving Reiki, as well as giving it (sometimes inadvertently while massaging a client) I am able to unpick myself and go deep within to find the source of what is bringing the crying, screaming or angry fit to the surface. That is what Reiki has done for me, it has bought my deep buried roots to the surface for pruning and healing and sometimes disposal.
Pack this with the extensive therapy I have had over the years, I am self aware and I know when I am wrong and when I am responsible for something.
Sometimes an emotion rules me before I can handle it. This is normal for humans; we are not perfect all the time and yes sometimes people talk to me and I take on their woes without thinking but I am getting better at detaching from these situations. I want to be a good friend and one day a good therapist but I don’t want to lay awake in my coffin still worrying because the lady at the bus stop felt she needed to tell me her sorrowful life story.
The fact is this; when I am out and about and around people I get anxious because I have anxiety. I have anxiety because I have trauma and I ignored it for a long time believing I was not allowed to be sick or effected by my multiple abuses. How can you expect me to be comfy around people when people have hurt me so bad? I also suffer sensory overload. Nothing to do with energy, it’s my nervous system unable to deal with processing all the incoming information.
I have issues with my nervous system because my brain is currently not working as it should. It’s busy processing the past while my body tries to conduct itself in the present. One day they will come into alignment.
I don’t have tummy ache because Joe Bloggs from number 42 tapped me on the shoulder today. I don’t have trouble with my heartbeat because I am carrying the neighbors sadness, it’s because I have a heart issue and I have anxiety. I take steps to manage this.
I am not having an angry outburst because the man in the waiting room has anger issues, this anger is mine and it is surfacing at an inappropriate time because that’s what my brain does because of my trauma. Flashbacks are not always visual, sometimes it’s a smell or a feeling or state of being. People with PTSD cannot control when their pain will make an appearance ready for healing.
So you see, what I am declaring here, against the spiritual grain, is that I am responsible for MY everything. I AM protected from others energy because I chose not to deal with their crap. I have enough crap of my own to sit in thank you very much!
Yes, I feel others sometimes. But I can step out their mind palace and close the door and walk away. I am not a prisoner.
Sometimes I know how my partner feels before he does. I can tell from his body language he is about to tell me he has to leave; before he has even had the conscious thought.
One morning I woke up furious but was aware it wasn’t me, it was actually him. Sometimes, being so close, means we get tangled. It doesn’t need a term or a label; it just needs to be acknowledged and passed by. He can deal with his stuff when he is ready; as can I.
If you have been told you are an empath, or perhaps you work as a physic or have a very hands on job like massage therapist or a gynecologist even (pain gets stored in the womb a lot) don’t let people just stick that label on. Question it! Question everything because if there is one solid thing I have learnt in life it is this; nothing is what it seems,