It’s been a few weeks since I updated this blog. It has been a chaotic few weeks of macaronic mind decay, body blasphemy and emotional eruption. I made it, that much is true but just as I think I have a grip on it all, I am cast in the shadow of doubt because, you see, my PTSD is proof I cannot outrun the past.
People always say ‘change your old way of thinking and the situation won’t repeat itself anymore.’ Great stuff but I wasn’t even consciously thinking about my trauma and here I am, physically disabled by it. So excuse my reluctance to believe that conscious thoughts can be deconstructed, even in repeated attempts.
I have plans for the next few months. Big plans and life changing plans but every time I think about those magnificent alternations, the whisper of my doubt demons, tongue fucks my ear and every time it does, I am swift to replace the thought with a fresher and less unholy one.
My biggest looming doubt demon is ‘as soon as that week before my period comes, right up until the end of my period, I will lose my zest, passion, positivity and wellness.’ I keep believing that because that is the only cycle I have so far. I literally lose ‘me’ during that two-ish week space and the other 2 weeks is perfect. Because this whole system seems to be governed by hormones, something I cannot control, I feel I am slave to the seduction of this sucky situation.
‘Go on the pill’ the well meaning amateur doctors quip. I did and I bled constantly for 4 months. I still had mood cycles, periods of physical symptoms (more so) and I had more seizures and flashbacks than ever before. So you see, damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
I take herbal supplements to try and balance me out and god knows I try to better my diet but once that sinful week kicks in, BOOM! Scoff, scream and soak the pillow with salty tears.
I guess the next logical step is adapting. Learning to manage these distressing weeks, catch them before they fall and attempt consistency against this raging machine of hormotions.
I believe I can. The doubt demons tell me I am wrong but at least I am made of physical matter…