I am considering leaving therapy.
Over the Xmas and new year break I was aware I had no issues with flashbacks or anger towards my abusers.
I have found writing it all down has been, although traumatic to write, useful in removing the anger I have wanted to unleash on certain individuals.
For this reason I am thinking of quitting. Think about it; an hour a week for £45 to pull trauma up and out of my brain or an hour a week writing my autobiography and actually putting the trauma that has surfaced, back to bed, and get published and be potentially paid for it.
I am keen to accept the EDMR I have been offered but again I am reluctant.
It’s a great concept that’s proven to help but I have multiple traumas. It could take hundreds of sessions for it to be effective.
To create a neural pathway takes repetition and I won’t be getting enough of this treatment to crate a permanent effect.
I am also concerned by removing those traumas, more will have room to raise that vile heads from the suppressed solitude in my subconscious.
Therapy has seen me get nothing but worse if I am honest. When I started 4 years ago I was confident and happy and healthy, I just had some body and eating issues I wanted to work on.
Now I am traumatised, suffering from conversion disorder, unable to go out without Andrew and scared of the light switch for crying out loud. How is that effective treatment? I am traumatised by becoming self aware and I want to close the box now.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I need to turn the putrid page and pen the next chapter of my life.