People seem to think the fact I get stressed to the point of gastrointestinal shutdown and brain malfunction, is just me being awkward. People think a lot about stuff they know nothing about though don’t they?
I have C-PTSD! That is to mean, multiple past traumas effecting me in the present. A huge part of that was an unstable upbringing and persistent abandonment as a child and adult.
So when big life choices are being made for me or decisions and waiting times are in other people’s hands, my brain prepares me for the worst case scenario because all my life, not one single responsible adult was consistent in my life.
My brain is currently preparing me for starvation, homelessness and potential abuse. When little things are going wrong in my daily life, my brain is telling my body it is in constant danger and there is only so much my meditation and journaling can do to,soothe my brain back into a normal state.
Most people around me are laid back. But to me they are disorganised and putting us all at risk; my brain knows no difference between chaos and calm. That is what post traumatic stress does to a person. My amygdala is on red alert constantly and has been for so long that it is going to be a lifelong effort to switch it off and convince it to stay off.
I am stressed to the max right now. I am at the mercy of others in many aspects of my life currently and despite attempting to release and surrender, I am failing. My body is rock hard with tension and my mind rushing and feeling and I feel more powerless because I can’t even slow it yet alone stop it, despite my efforts.
Right now I need a place to vent but despite my escape from Facebook, people are still using me as a free therapist. I am trying to live my life without therapy, without support, I am in a phase of adjustment and I need a break from other people’s trauma. Why don’t people understand that mental illness does not make you therapist to others with the same conditions?