How perfectly this entire blog represents my state of mind!
On writing my morning journal pages today, I had one of my realisations. That a-ha moment that punches you in the forehead and leaves you self scolding and full of woe.
I was going to write about how I have decided to return to therapy to focus on dealing with my phobia, and my phobia only, and how I doubt myself and feel this is in actual fact, me using the phobia as an excuse to go back to therapy, because I don’t know how to be anything other than the patient. But I will save that wondering for my private thoughts, for now.
This blog has fallen far from its original purpose. It is off the tracks and coming to a chugging stop beside the Eden plan. I have failed myself and my intended purpose of bringing awareness to the reader.
I used to wake and write onto this blog. Sure, there would be errors etc but it was raw and real; it was exactly as it is. The nitty-gritty! But somewhere, something changed.
Before I post here, I now write onto a word document, cawing through the words in search or typos and scald myself for my mistakes because I am not able to do the things I used to, in the way I once did before my brain began to falter.
My writing is no longer real. It no longer demonstrates the fact I can’t keep focused or that my eye for detail is declining due to my cognitive impairment. It no longer conveys why I feel the way I do or how I feel at all.
I became more interested in becoming a writer and not a mental health blogger. I have gotten so hung up on showcasing my work that I have stopped being…me. I’m lost somewhere under the facts, the ‘notice my blog’ writes and the fact is, I am lucky to get two likes or a comment anymore. I have lost readers and my overall viewing has declined.
I always wanted to be a writer, ever since I was a very small child. There is nothing to stop me focusing on writing my book; many books even but my best selling novel won’t be a blog. I have merged the two into a mind meddling mess.
See, this is how I am, I get off track, distracted, I try too hard, I’m forever attempting to please others and I am always seeking validation-wow! I didn’t even know that until recently and I have no idea how to come to terms with it.
All I know is, this blog needs to be more like my YouTube videos. Those are raw, authentic and brutal truths. I get much good feedback about them because they are my true essence.
Sometimes I get fired up and other times I can hardly look at the screen; I fluctuate and my voice is clearly stronger than my written words. Maybe telling my story doesn’t just have to be written.