So how do I feel post return to therapy? Well I am tired, I’m setting my jaw, my eyes feel almost slit like in an evil way, I’m irritable and I still ache.

Are the two linked? Maybe or maybe I’m like this due to all the pain I am in.

On a positive note my new doctor seemed nice. She listened without preconceived judgement and even asked me to book another appointment with her so we can actually discuss this pain and see if we can do something about it. I feel like this is the first GP who has ever listened to me without labelling me as just ‘mentally ill and health anxious!’

She also agreed to try upping my pregabalin a little and gave me some more diazepam and actually put my cyclazine on my repeat rather than what my old doctors would do, make me wait for an appointment to ask for it, by which time it would be too late.

I mean what is health anxiety really? If you had symptoms no one could explain to you or symptoms that were ruining your life, you’d be health anxious too. I’m anxious to get better and that’s it.

I feel yesterday’s session was a mess. I wanted to focus on my phobia and we did discuss it but I got nowhere with it. I ended up talking about my son instead and went completely off track from my original plan. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing therapy right. I mean there’s no rule book; it’s a vagabonds game.

Maybe there is no structure and you cannot plan. Maybe you just spill whatever is on the top of the pile that day but I hate that. I like control because I have lacked it my entire life. I guess that’s something I need to work on in therapy.