I’m seemingly falling into a routine in the morning, which is something I crave a great deal.
I could never do that in my old home. I’d wake feeling heavy and depressed and would struggle to get up at all. It was like my energy was being sucked down into the neighbours house below me and feeding a parasite at the expense of my own health. But here, yes I wake groggy, but I spring up, throw the curtains out onto the light of the day and make me way to the sitting room to start my little rituals.
Routine is important for someone with C-PTSD. My whole childhood was unpredictable with the never knowing if dad was gonna beat us half to death or sit me on his lap for a cuddle.
I never knew if I was going to be allowed to eat or be sent to my room because the mere sight of me was an annoyance.
I never knew if that boy wanted to be friends or if he was going to assault me.
I find other people highly distressing for I have no control over them and I don’t want to. I want people to be themselves and just work with the flow but that’s a stress for me. So my morning victuals are a necessity for me because they are purely about me.
However they fall out the window when my partner is here and that cannot continue. I need to continue my life when he finally moves in.
There’s a degree of shame there. I don’t want him to hear me pray or say my affirmations. But there’s also a fear of inconvenience. Will it be annoyed if I spend the first hour of my day writing on here, faffing with my journal and muttering in my meditation space? Probably not but the fear is there because I spent my childhood being a inconvenience to my mother and her previous partner.
C-PTSD effects us in many little ways, many years later. It can’t just be switched off after 4 years of therapy because we are ever evolving and we never stop finding those little behaviours that ail us. I am starting to see therapy really will be life long for me. Now I just have to accept it.