I lost it yesterday. I got angry, I said stuff and made some mistakes to try and distract myself from my emotions. But I also stood up for myself and said ‘you know what, no, respect me or walk on by!’
I’m still pissed off but I’m not allowed to be and now I feel like I can’t bring it up to air and clear because one of the other people involved suddenly developed chronic depression over the course of the day and is now boohooing. I explained he wasn’t depressed but he was in fact experiencing a normal reaction to a bad day but whilst I was waiting to fall asleep last night it occurred to me; that was a nice bit of manipulation there. An attempt to make me feel bad about calling him out and a way to soften me so I don’t try and talk about it when I next see him. Well fuck him.
I know full well he won’t read this. He has no interest in my blog, my writing or even me as a person. He does not value me or respect me as a person; least of all a female person. He does not listen or truly care. To him I am an object that he thinks to possess.
I was perfectly rational yesterday until he dropped the big bomb. The bomb that is guaranteed to blow me the fuck to hell and back. ‘ How dare you slate me after ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU!’ The bomb I knew he’d drop the minute we had an argument. Well I don’t fight with fists, I cut with words and believe me I pushed the tender spots right back with no regrets
HELL FUCKING NO SON!! Let’s make it clear, I have rarely asked for anything other than a bit of chocolate here and there. I don’t make him take me anywhere. We don’t go out coz of my anxiety and any gifts or money were his offering or instance and I kept saying I wanted to pay it back. I NEVER ASKED him for anything.
Everything I have now I paid for albeit some tins of paint and £80 towards the carpet. All written in MY diary so I know what to pay back. But he had the nerve to try making it out that I am not allowed to speak up when he does me wrong because he has done stuff for me! That’s not how it works. If you fuck up you deal, you don’t manipulate me with money.
So I’m gonna list a list of stuff that’s got me raging today because quite honestly I’m fit to burst.
- When I say no I mean no. No does not mean convince me. No does not mean you keep touching my vagina and moaning that it’s not fair that you have a boner and it’s my fault because I’m just so sexy sitting there in my giant knickers with greasy hair and post flashback. No means I don’t want to have sex and you sliding a condom onto your dick won’t change my mind but the fact you already took that step let’s me know my choice is no longer valid and so I go quiet and let you do it. Technically you raped me.
- I have never asked you to wash up. You always insist and then when you leave and have not done it, I roll my eyes and do it myself but this time I asked you. I said that crispy melted cheese was your dish to wash and you said you’d do it and never bothered. You left your breakfast stuff on top of it and left it for me again. That’s an outright disrespect towards me and let’s me know you expect me to tidy up your messes.
- I have stopped communicating with you because I no longer feel valued and every time I try to speak you hug me to shut me up and that annoys me. Stop trying to silence me because you feel uncomfortable with my words. If you don’t want to hear my story you need to leave.
- My ex husband is a grade A cunt and I am sick of tolerating him and trying to support him. I don’t owe him shit and if me and his friend Gareth and so abusive, why keep coming to us to boohoo? Fuck off. Leave me the fuck alone. I actually hate you and you’ll never change.
- I need to change therapists because going to my old town is a source of stress because I always bump into people like my ex husband. But I can’t afford to start again with a new therapist.
- My father is an abuser and I hate him and never want to see him again but am to scared to tell him.
- My mother better not pull her abuse shit today because no one else is around or I swear to god she can go fuck herself.
- I need sleep. My cat keeps me awake, Andrew keeps me awake and I am exhausted and it’s making my miserable.
- My pain is real. I ache.
- I hate myself. I don’t want to spend time and energy hating others too. I wish everyone would fuck off.
There I’m all said.