Sometimes I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. Like, I monitor myself constantly to the point of pestering myself but all those times I turned a negative to a positive appear to make no difference and I have reached the wrong conclusion about myself.
I’m not changing. I’m not healing or anywhere near ready to live a normal life.
Some say I have made progress and perhaps the issue is simply me refusing to see just how far I have come. But the thing is, no matter how far I have come, it’s never far enough to have made me happy, to have stopped my seizures or flashbacks and it’s not far enough for me to function in normal society.
Society! They always want more of you. They want the catwalk model, tax bag paying machine that doesn’t hold the wealth due to disability and doesn’t falter on the stage because someone else wounded them.
I can’t fit into societies box yet. I don’t even want to but I don’t want to stay in this box either. It’s dull in here. I’m squashed and alone and I feel ashamed for getting in here to start with and now, I can’t get out.
I pray daily. I ask to cut the cords and lift the lid and I surrender myself daily and sometimes it feels like no one acts despite hearing me. I mean, ‘god’ or whoever hears, has all this mighty power and unthinkable knowledge, so why does something as serious and genuine, as not being psychologically sick, and therefore not physically sick, so hard to grant?
I don’t want the fucking lottery win of millions. I don’t want my team to win. I don’t want someone back from the dead and I don’t want everything handed on a plate; I’ve done a shit ton of work and I still haven’t been paid. As a matter of fact I’m down, I’m broke and my journey to find the fucking solution has bankrupted me.
WHY DOESN’T LIFE PAY ME!