It almost feels pointless writing in here now. Nobody sees it. I write to inspire, educate and comfort others, more than for myself.
I have set my site to private due to fear that Dr Kershaw is spying on me and critiquing my every word, move and thought. He has truly unhinged my safe screw and I constantly feel looked at as a result of his letter pointing out that I was ‘observed’ in the waiting room.
I noticed the other day when ai actually braved a walk to town alone, in a bright red skirt. I was not consciously anxious, I felt it went well but I was aware that I was convinced people were looking at me, more than the normal.
An older women outside the coffee shop was having a blatant scowl as her small grey eyes followed me past, with a silent hiss of of god knows what.
But I was sure others were staring and not in awe but in a hateful ‘look at this mess’ kind of way. I felt pierced at times and like perhaps I had no business wearing such a pretty song skirt, because I’m clearly not meant to look like a girl.
But I am also very consciously aware that, ok maybe people were looking at me, but the extent of which was my anxiety and the thoughts around it a product of my own self hatred.
I’m far from stupid and I am crippling aware of my internal monologue. I swear she is a separate entity at times. Just floating along beside me enjoying not the sunshine or the confidence but instead intend on darkening the sky and denting my intentions. She’s a real bitch sometimes.