We live in a world where the words ‘rape culture’ are seen frequently within social media platforms and for some it seems like some radical feminist related jargon but for some of us it’s a harsh reality.
I am experiencing first hand. Just yesterday I was victim to it.
This is not the first time, I believe I wrote about here before. The thing is, what do you do when your partner unintentionally rapes you?
The first time I kind of sat on it a while. I was shocked, after several years of not being forced upon, and because I had never been in love with someone who did that to me before.
Eventually I confronted him. I explained how what he had done was wrong and had been forceful and we openly discussed what consent is. He seemed genuinely mortified and horrified at his actions, so I forgave him.
We live in a world where we teach our daughters how to fight off an attacker, tell her not to wear provoking clothing etc etc but we don’t teach our sons what consent is and that you still require it in a relationship and that women are not owned. So I felt teaching my boyfriend that was fair and necessary.
Then yesterday occurred.
The thing is, it leaves me questioning, was it rape or am I so damaged from my past I feel victim all the time.
I was in extreme pain yesterday and very tired come the afternoon after an active morning without my wheelchair. So we both rested in bed.
He began to pester me and I made it clear the answer was no for now due to pain and exhaustion. But he continued. I kept saying no then he said the trigger words for me, ‘maybe I’ll just have my way with you anyway.’ He laughs it off as a joke but at this point I know from experience how this ends.
I continue to roll away and eventually stiffen up and physically show I’m not interested. He continues to push me.
Eventually I literally rolled onto my back and said, with obvious sadness and anger, ‘you’re not going to leave me alone so you might as well get on with it.’ I GAVE HIM PERMISSION. He had my consent right? So I can’t call it rape anymore.
He literally pestered me into submitting myself. His response was ‘oh baby stop it.’ And then he did it.
I laid there, stared out the window, in agonising physical and emotive pain, praying he’d go faster so it would be over quicker.
A short while after I dissociated and my mood dropped. He noticed this.
He then went to the shop to get me chocolate and washed up. This told me he knew he’d done wrong and was now intentionally trying to distract me by being the hero.
He then asked me what was wrong and that I seemed upset. I blew. I began to punch him, although not very hard and with real intention, because that makes me the bad guy right.
He said he was sorry and I began to howl with tears . I reminded him that he said that last time and that I know he’ll say it after the next time and the next and next for the rest of my life, just like my dad used to when he hit us as kids.
It had occurred to me that this was my life from now on. I love him, he is literally all I have. I have no friends, only a few family members who my relationships are very weak and triggering with, I live in a town with no escape and I have no ongoing support from the mental health team.
My anxiety is through the roof again and no wonder, my rapist is the person who comforts me and listens to me vent AFTER raping me. I’m reliving my childhood all over again except the abuser is offering free therapy.
That’s the worst part. I laid in his arms and cried after and then…I APOLOGISED for hitting him. I said sorry because that’s what I do, I grovel pathetically and forgive those who damage me and let them continue to do so.
I am not a strong woman. I am not a survivor. I am not making my voice heard or walking away from what damages me. I am a fraud. I am a victim. I am my own jailer in a self made hell and I hate myself for it and yet I still love him…