Is it me or is it she, anxiety bi**h

It almost feels pointless writing in here now. Nobody sees it. I write to inspire, educate and comfort others, more than for myself. I have set my site to private due to fear that Dr Kershaw is spying on me and critiquing my every word, move and thought. He has truly unhinged my safe screw…

I’ve been away from myself (a morning journal)

I've not been writing in my journal or updating this blog since the altercation with the psych. It left me questioning myself and it left me in a pit of despair, scrambling to get out, bloody fingered and muscle worn. But I'm slowly beginning to see, sometimes 'professionals' judge us wrong. They insist they are…

Why don’t you hear me? (The morning journals)

Sometimes I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. Like, I monitor myself constantly to the point of pestering myself but all those times I turned a negative to a positive appear to make no difference and I have reached the wrong conclusion about myself. I'm not changing. I'm not healing or anywhere near ready to…

Disability is a loss and we are allowed to be sad

I often find myself lacking motivation. I never used to be this way. I was always motivated to go to the gym, go on a run, take a bus out of town to the woods, walk to see my friends, go to the pub and get up for college and work. You see what I…

Fat, fake and feeling unsettled (The morning journals)

I'm groggy today. My head feels as though brick dust is swooshing side to side against my skull and dripping into my blood stream bit by bit, building up, until I am a house of exhaustion. I'm a bit down on my body at the moment. Yesterday my Nan said I looked pregnant (bare in…

Dissociation & Grey areas (The morning journals)

I'm having my hair coloured today but out of the blue I have decided to have a dramatic cut. This may not seem like a drama based idea to many but for someone with strong emotional flares and personality alterations, it could be disastrous in a few days. You see, I'm prone to changes of…

What is a disability?

Functional neurological disorder is unstable. It knows not what it wants from life and has no idea where it is going and when. It is disorganised, chaotic and cruel and I am not these things. We are a paradox sharing a body. I guess that's what makes this disability such an intense lesson for me,…